Shame and Shadow
We are a few weeks past the autumn equinox and the shift in balance from warm to colder days, from light to darkness is becoming more acute.
A session with a client last week led us to explore polarities of shame and pride. I use this example to explore two extreme edges that we can find ourselves in and how to pivot back to a steadier, more balanced presence as we get to understand the core dynamics at play - our shadow and how to heal shame.
‘I am such a hypocrite’ was a statement that Jenny (not her real name). It came up for her as she noticed herself behaving in a way that was contrary to what she was trying to achieve in her life. It was to do with binge eating just as she had committed herself, and shared this with her loved ones, to healthy living. For her this discord was amplified as she tried to offer her friend some guidance on the very same subject.
Hypocrisy is saying one thing but doing another. It’s the practice of behaving contrary to the beliefs, values and feelings that we claim to possess. It involves presenting a false appearance of virtue while concealing real character traits or inclinations.
Hypocrisy is the opposite of being honest, authentic or true in actions and speech to one’s beliefs.
We may see hypocrisy in:
Personal life:
telling our child to spend less time on social media, but they we it beyond healthy themselves
criticising others for something that we often do ourselves
Professional roles this may arise as:
selling products that we don’t believe are any good, but which have a big financial reward for us
a fitness or health professional role modelling healthy lifestyle, but resort to unhealthy eating habits all too often
environmentalist taking private jets to conferences
and of course: politics, Church - no comment
Whilst hypocrisy may be a conscious way to manipulate others, in majority of cases it is a subconscious, maladaptive response that we resorted to at the time when it was safe or appropriate, to show one’s true feelings.
'I feel so ASHAMED.’ added Jenny to her revelation.
The inner conflict that arises is in psychology referred to as personal dissonance.
Jenny added:
‘ Yet, I am also PROUD that I could role model something to her.’
Here Jenny comes face to face with what psychotherapy refers to as, ‘shadow’.
For those who are not familiar with shadow work, shadow is our repressed, unconscious aspects of the personality that we have disowned or don’t want to acknowledge. It includes rejected qualities, negative impulses, and forgotten experiences. Shadow work is a process of meeting our shadow or parts of self. I helps the individual to accept those parts. From split, rejection, shame,….. we come to acceptance, and this brings us back to wholeness. You will also hear references to IFS (Internal Family Systems) and archetypes, goddess healing… and more in this context.
Whilst there's nothing wrong with being proud, Jenny adopted ‘pride’ to inflate her self worth in this situation and mask the feelings of shame in order to protect this vulnerable, uncomfortable part of herself.
In homeopathy we refer to this as ‘compensation’ ie: If we let others see the behaviour we are not willing to have out in the open (shame), they’d think LESSER of us, we’d lose our STATUS, AUTHORITY, we’d not be accepted, we might be left with the feeling of being ‘criticised, rejected, shamed, unwanted’….
Normalising
I supported Jenny to consider just how very much the two: SHAME and PRIDE are part of the same coin.
They are extremes - our nervous system’s short cut to deciphering what is ‘bad’ with ‘good’. A strategy that can all too often settle on rather ‘right - wrong’, black and white thinking. A puristic, reductionism way of perceiving the matter. Incidentally, many of my clients and friends who are on Autistic spectrum disorder (ASD) name their thinking as such. Also those who are prone to perfection may get stuck on this more easily.
But let us understand that whilst it is true these oppositional forces are that which we see all around us:
white - black
light - heavy
day - night
hot - cold
hard - soft
full - empty
joy - sadness
The yang (masculine) and yin (feminine) that hold our world (and reality) in balance. It helps us appreciate that there would be no white if we did not know the black, no light if we did not know the dark, right and wrong.
The degree of these is based on perceptions, the point where we view these from. It is also reinforces it one way of the other by the value we give it to - OUR JUDGEMENT. But what this thinking does not allow for is for the spectrum, diversity of qualities that lies in between.
And this is what I have been supporting Jenny to discover more and more. She calls these insights ‘gold nuggets’.
The degree of these is based on perceptions, the point where we view these from. But we can reinforce it one way of the other by the VALUE we give it to and which forms our JUDGEMENT.
Bringing shadow into light
Whilst we cannot change the dark and cold days to light and warm days, we can challenge our inner weather and shine more light on those dark parts. Parts that we have been protecting or hiding as it’s not been safe for them to be what they are due to personal and societal judgements and prejudices.
People like Jenny who are committed to their personal growth, will come up with many more uncomfortable and conflicting experiences, but taking bold steps to shine light onto those sticky, ‘shameful’ parts, and integrate them in a way that will allow to enjoy more light, authenticity and ease of being.
I will continue to help her and hold space and shine light on places of misalignment with her truth. This may be in reference to what she thinks of herself, how she relays to hers, how she conducts herself in her work…. , I will slow her down so she can hear this for herself and adjust her position by employing
curiosity instead of judgement
wonderment instead of feeling she needs to be the expert
I will also suggest a corresponding remedy that will do the rest of the work.
Physical symptoms will fall aside in this process, she will have more energy, she will be happier, feeling more free and more content. How do I know? It’s happening. And just her being able to name this tells us this is the case.
The Impact of shame
Like Jenny, like me, you too may find yourself surrounded with qualities of shame.
We may be ashamed so we compensate by hiding it:
‘I am ugly, I look weird’ I’ look fat’, …. so we put on make up, colour our hair, stop going out, dress elaborately or we hate ourselves and sadly even end our lives.
‘I don’t speak right’ …so we take elocution lessons
‘I am stupid’, ‘too slow ‘too sensitive, too emotional’ … so we boast or we compensate with not talking, making ourselves rich, or we study and study,
financial situation ‘I am not managing my money,’ ‘I can’t say I can’t go out because i don’t have the funds’… so we overspend or about
our living arrangements … we put on air freshener, stop having people to visit, keep our curtains drawn, put up high fences in our garden
health conditions .. so we don’t ask for help.
our body odour, perspiration .. so we wear perfume, plaster ourselves with strong deodorants, stop exercising
our habits and addictions.. so we do it secretly and the pull gets stronger
our sexuality… so we turn to pornography, sex industry
our family… and we disassociate
not doing what we said we would do.. we get overwhelmed +++
we feel ashamed… we shame others.
All of the above are our coping mechanisms. They are stories we have been telling ourselves, identities we have taken on. They take us away from ‘real’, authentic, honest and expansive self. they diminishes our integrity and self worth, our creativity. They take us into hiding, covering up. This takes a huge amount of energy and is everything, but health inducing.
They have a profound impact on the health of our society, on the health of our children.
We have CHOICE
We can continue to hide and overcompensate or to do something about it.
Breaking up the cycle of shame
Some people find it liberating to expose their issue in public such as on social media. I do believe that it is important to talk about shame openly as this will help normalise ‘human nature’ and lead us to be more accepting of ourselves. Whilst for some, at certain times and in relation to certain issues that may be helpful, but there are other, gentler, more private ways to do it.
4 steps towards healing your shame
1. Do it yourself
Own it. Notice where, when you feel shame.
Acknowledge the same that you are feeling.
Notice where and what you feel in your body
Move to a non duality, mindful inquiry ‘how interesting that i should fell like this?’
Notice it’s origins - who offered this feeling to you in the first place?
Decide where you wish to continue to accept this person’s/societal judgement as yours.
If not, say to yourself ‘thank you but not thank you. I USED to feel like that. These are old, survival patterns that have protected me all this time, I now chose to ie: feel free, feel __________ (say how you want to feel). I am OK about who I am’.
Take Crab Apple Bach remedy.
2. Speak about your feelings and identify compensating patterns of behaviour with your loved one.
3. Join one of the many 12 step programme
4. Contact me for help.
Shame and Homeopathy
Shame is a layer that shows up in most cases. There are 267 remedies in my repertory to chose from to help balance ‘shameful’ feelings and experiences. In depth inquiry of how this is experienced and compensated helps us narrow this down to the simmilium.
Examples include:
People needing this remedy carry feelings of inferiority: “feels despised, diminished, smaller”; insult: “as if she is being looked down upon by everyone” delusion: that he is dirty; despondent, hopeless: “thinks her disease incurable, has not a friend living, could weep at any moment”; feel incapable and incompetent: “everything is doomed to fail”; “he is a failure”; “doubts her ability and success”; “want of confidence”; fear life and those in it: fear of violence, abuse and rape; fear and mistrust of people (humanity), of certain people, men, authority figures, strangers; “fear of ridicule and humiliation” and “fear of rejection, abandonment and separation”.
Aurum remedy a remedy for those with great sense of responsibility feeling shame over financial loses. It’d be people who got to a high place and lost everything. They are prone to committing suicide by jumping from high places.
Shame and Five Elements
As per TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) shame falls into the Metal Element that governs our system of values, perfection, appreciation, beauty, recognition and field directly into our self worth.
When our self worth is low, we won’t be worthy of receiving wealth such as money and love. Learn how Five Elements can help you churn so some of the stuck energy.
Over to you
I’d love to hear from you if you have any reflections on this and to hear how you are navigating it all. The darker months ahead will be asking us to descend to those dark corners of the soul. I am here to support you.
You may also be interested in reading: “I am ugly'“